It’s a white snowy day today; I thought I would write something of the beauty of the day while I am curled up in my warm cozy home. My thoughts wandered to a place I wasn’t expecting – and the emotion I am feeling tells me that this is the right time to write these words. I feel the need to preface the words because this isn’t about me moving forward, but about looking back.
Several years ago my I faced a gut-wrenching crisis in my life. From where I am now, I understand the underlying issues, but then, as now, I was responsible for some terrible decisions that brought devastating pain to those around me. The journey of repairing and rebuilding was difficult beyond measure at times. Today I savor the health and healing that the journey has brought me.
But there were DARK days. I wanted to die. I was angry with God because I wanted to stop breathing, I just wanted to STOP. And He wouldn’t let me. I desperately wanted to melt away into the darkness of the night, to disappear from life, to be no more. Yet every morning the sun rose … every day it rose to shine light on the pain.
It is a curious thing how we respond to pain. Perhaps it is the revelation of this dynamic more than anything else that has shaped how I live my life now. I lost relationships – many for reasons I understood, and some I didn’t. I understood the judgments of me, but as people withdrew from relationship something in me died. It confirmed that I was not worthy of time or relationship. It confirmed that I was lacking in value and undeserving of love. It devoured any sense of hope.
In the midst of this darkness – there was light. My father-in-law was light for me. Every Saturday he would visit me at my flower shop. He would show interest in my latest arrangements, have a short conversation, then he would remind me by SAYING THE WORDS of how much he and my mother-in-law loved me, and valued me. Then he would hug me. Even now, after my darkness is gone – I am moved to great emotion because of that tender gentle gift of love he gave me every week.
His actions turned the tide of my pain. His words were MERCY, and his hugs were GRACE. He looked past my mistakes and created a moment in my life where I felt valued and worthy of being loved. Ultimately it opened a door of hope for me to receive forgiveness and healing. The actions of my father-in-law were the touch of Gods love in my life when I needed it most. And I am forever grateful!
So this is my question today – who in my life needs to feel that tender gentle gift of love? Who is undeserving – and yet desperately needs to know that they have VALUE and WORTH? Who is lost in the darkness and needs to be touched by mercy and grace today?
Someone needs the gift I have to give.