A Moms Heart It Will Always Be

DSC_0060My son and I argued this morning.

Anger. Frustration.  Disappointment. Sadness.

He misunderstood my words – I misunderstood his.

My sorrow showed, and so did his.  The weight of decisions rests heavy on his heart.  My stomach is wrenched up into my throat.  An iron vise squeezes my chest.  A wellspring of tears threatens to well up, overwhelm and overflow.  All my regrets, and words unspoken combine with that breathless indescribable tearing pain of love for this young man – who is my son.

He is a wonderful son.  And he is stepping out of childhood into the man that he was created to be, and destined to become.

Both of my sons are wonderful! Both are at this threshold in their lives.   In as much as they are dealing with this significant change in their lives – so am I.  I am struggling to release them, to loose the strings that have bound them to me for the last twenty years of my life.  I grew up with them.  I learned how to nurture and love through them.  I think perhaps they have taught me more than I have taught them.  O how I love both of my sons … yet I have to let them go.    They need to discover what life holds for them – on their terms, not mine.  They will make mistakes – but life’s most powerful lessons are forged in the process!  Both boys are strong and independent – they will find their way quite well.

I am blessed – my son and I find reconciliation.  We are able to express the words we need to say.  Our hearts touch.  I am so proud of my son.  He IS and WILL BE a good man.

Change needs to happen in me.  Sometimes I don’t know how to do that.  My encouragement sounds like control.  My caring feels too pushy.  My heart connection feels different – and it needs to be different!  How do I express to them that  I just want them to KNOW I will ALWAYS  love them.  I want them to know that my heart will always hold safe refuge for them.

But for now, they need to step out of the safety into the world that is waiting for them.  Free to decide, free to fall, free to soar – on their own.

And God whispers in my ear – “yes, I know the feeling MY daughter.”

Then I understand He knows my heart pain – because it is His yearning for me as well.  In the past I misunderstood.  I thought it was all rules and control – but He released me to discover otherwise.  In His heart, He holds a gut wrenching tender love for me.  His arms are always extended – yearning to embrace and express His love for me.  But He also longs for me to choose and to grow – and so He frees me.

So to my son I say, “find your path, be free … and SOAR!”

And God whispers in my ear, “My daughter – get up, be free.” My heart responds, because from that safe place of love, I know I can SOAR!